Remember when we did not have a book to fix our relationship?

I often wonder how my grandmother and grandfather stayed together for almost sixty years before one of them passed away. I remember them yelling at each other periodically, but neither one of them ever packed their bags and moved out.
My grandfather was able to stand my grandmothers pouting and posturing by absorbing himself in reading his daily Italian newspaper while savoring his espresso. If he didn’t look up, she would add audible sighing, which often sounded like a cow giving birth. If he started to show signs of irritation, she knew enough “to cool it” and would start talking about what they were going to cook that night.

Food was definitely their common ground.
I loved watching how animated they would become as they whipped together their magical ingredients that became dishes that would make family and friends beg for more.
There were no books to read about how different men and women are, nor were there relationship coaches or therapists to help them understand each other. Male and female brains and their differences was not even a consideration. Earlier scientists might have been able to investigate these differences only by studying the brains of cadavers. But thanks to advances in genetics and non-invasive brain-imaging technology, we are now able to see inside the brain in real time.
John Gray, was one of the first authors to ride the wave of male/female differences. His book “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” sold millions of copies. One of his observations was that “Men like to go into their caves” he stated and be alone with their thoughts while women like to be in concert with other women and talk about just about anything. MRI scans can back this up by showing that the brain circuitry for language and the ability to observe emotions is more prevalent in women. Men, by contrast, have two and half times the brain space devoted to sexual drive.
I love research and the scientific outcomes that result in giving us more insights into the human condition, but I also find them amusing.
I watched my grandmother raise her eyes to heaven and then make the sign of the cross when she couldn’t get through to my grandfather. Her education never went beyond the eighth grade, but I’m sure she knew that while she was carrying on about how one of the neighbors had “dissed” her spaghetti sauce that she knew my grandfather wasn’t listening. In fact I would bet that he was just seeing her lips go “blah, blah, blah, until he could make a move to get her into bed.
That is just one of the many ways the male and female brains differ. Many book today have made us realize that men usually don’t like to walk around stores with us, notice that the sofa has been moved, or be disturbed when their in the middle of a football game. Men surely have realized that women have memories like elephants, want to be validated for looking nice, and need flowers, candy or some token of appreciation once in awhile.
I don’t know if my grandparents realized any of that, but they did know that loyalty to each other was tantamount to a long lasting relationship, and I don’t think you’ll find that in a book or a brain scan.

We All Need Good News

By now the majority of the world has witnessed the miraculous rescue of thirty three trapped miners from Chile. How these men were able not only to survive but to do so with grace, dignity and even traces of humor is beyond comprehension. Yet they emerged from a hellacious ordeal to the embraces of families, friends and co-workers who stood vigil anxiously awaiting their return. I for one cannot imagine living in the conditions they endured. It certainly isn’t something any of us are prepared for. Much of what they did to survive was contingent on their unbelievable ability to work together as a team, along with those who created and helped with the rescue. What lifted my spirits and filled my heart with joy was how the human spirit can rise to such spectacular heights. We have seen these types of heroics over and over when disaster strikes, and we are in awe and proud that we humans are capable of rising to the occasion. I know from conversations I have with family, friends and colleagues, that stress, anxiety and depression have become much more prevalent and have begun to erode our outlook as Americans. Many individuals I deal with in my work have also felt a certain trepidation as to where our culture is headed. So much of what we read and hear about in the media feeds into our deepest fears ; i.e. the economy is tanking, politics are filled with rancor, prejudice continues to raise its ugly head, bullying is growing exponentially and reality shows continue to showcase entitlement, dysfunction and bizarre behavior. If I watch too much news, I start to think that the next image that I see will be of Nero fiddling on a roof. It is easy to forget that many people have good hearts, work through their problems with integrity and do the best they can with what they have. We need to focus more on man’s ability to be kind, empathic, and generous. Our minds need a break from the relentless messages that permeate our airwaves that focus on the dark side of humanity. I don’t expect not to be informed of things that could be hurtful or harmful, but please let’s start sprinkling some good news in between the mayhem. It just might make us feel that we are more the same than separate.