When you listen: Are you really listening?

For years I taught communication skills in organizations to help with conflict, and I still use some of the techniques in my stress-management workshops.

I came to realize that teaching individuals how to re-address situations to co-workers, friends or family members so that they would hear them and respond rationally was a daunting task. Unfortunately, we often fail to deal with others in rational ways because we have not been privy to rational discussions in our homes.

My mother and stepfather were very much like the characters in “Who’s Afraid of Virginia Wolf?” Their relationship was a minefield fraught with vocal barbs. I never knew what to expect.

The self-help movement gave birth to many books that would suggest conflict-handling methods that were supposed to douse the flames of anger. I would read the statements the authors proposed and laugh my butt off. A suggestion would go something like this: “Am I to understand that you are experiencing some anger toward me? Should we take a ‘time out’ and go to a quiet space and reflect on our needs and how we might share them without becoming overly emotional?”

I tried to picture my stepfather saying that to my mother. She would have nailed him to the bedpost with a few select, sarcastic jabs. He would then revert to his passive-aggressive style and reply, “If you were nice, we wouldn’t be having this argument.” Then, of course, she would take out her cloak of martyrdom and list how much she did for everyone and how little she was appreciated. The drama would continue until one of them gave up – usually my stepfather – and then there would be a semblance of peace for a few days.

What each of them really wanted was to be heard. But listening without the need to defend yourself or without reverting to dredging up the other’s mistakes is not easy. Some people are masters at keeping tabs on what you “didn’t do.”

We learn through example, and many of us have had bad examples when it comes to communication. I find with age that I don’t have the same need to score points. I certainly have trouble with being accused of things I haven’t done or said, but now I’m more than likely to think, “Oh, well, what can you do? Let them believe it. I really don’t have to go to court over this.”

Learning how to really listen to someone – without mentally practicing, while the other person is still talking, what you’re going to say next – takes some control. And the world we now live in makes it harder and harder to be present for one another.

So take a deep breath, listen, and then think about how to respond. It will probably be a lot better for your blood pressure.

“Less is more” Could be the recipe for more happiness with a blend of laughter.

I wonder if we will ever revisit a time when the concept of “less is more” will return to our collective consciousness. Moderation in theory, is a wonderful concept, and could probably be easily achieved in a society that seeks it as a value or a period of time where excessivity is not an option. I was a product of parents who suffered through the depression and World War Two. There was a daily need to “make do”. I remember my mothers’ constant reminders on saving money. She was the essence of frugality. I grew up feeling that nothing could be truly savored “too much” since there could come a day when you wouldn’t have it. When I look back I wish I had incorporated more of my mothers’ sense of financial wisdom. In fact I believe the government would have not gotten into as much of an economic quagmire if my mother was in charge of the treasury. Unfortunately, we live in a time when we are constantly assaulted with messages that tell us we’re not okay unless we purchase the latest gadget or we aspire to look or feel good. Essentially they’re saying we got the goods so ante up and you’ll feel so much better. That means we need to go out and buy something that does the trick for us. I certainly have been caught up in that never-ending abyss. I have purchased more undergarments, makeup, toiletries, and clothing that I was convinced would change my appearance and essentially ended up making me look worse not better. Believe me, I’m not promoting walking around looking like you were just rescued from a collapsed coal mine. But there is room for common sense. None of the aforementioned provides miracles. It’s all temporary! Once you remove it you’re back to square one. Last night I saw a commercial that featured the latest facial cream developed by a celebrity dermatologist. It was about the same price as a Porsche. They showed the before and after of popular actresses faces who after the first few applications had  visible lines, and looked years younger. Perhaps after a year of applying this elixir they will return to the womb. Believe me, I like moisturizers and body lotions. But I’ve also gotten a lot of mileage from Vaseline. What we never see commercials of is ads advocating for fresh fruits, vegetables, fresh air, a good nights’ sleep and a prescription for laughter. In the end looking and feeling good is an inside job. The rests are simply garnishes!